


Ceci N'est Pas Une Pipe

by killmetatron



Category: The Fault in Our Stars - John Green
Genre: Epilogue, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-10
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2018-01-01 02:49:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1039456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killmetatron/pseuds/killmetatron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three months after losing Augustus Waters, Hazel Grace must face her own death with as much courage as she knows Gus would hope she would.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ceci N'est Pas Une Pipe

It was an honor to have my heart broken by Gus, but the thing about pain (besides the unfortunate fact that it demands to be felt) is that acknowledging it and accepting it does not tend to make it actually go away, and so I continued to live painful days with my ten-on-the-pain-scale heartbreak left by the loss of Augustus Waters. The Gus-less days turned into Gus-less weeks, and by the time I was on my third Gus-less month, the pain was finally starting to fade. That is not to say that Missing Gus was no longer something that was a part of my daily life, just that it was no longer my main occupation. That position, unfortunately, was reclaimed by Having Cancer.

I was awoken around three a.m. one Tuesday morning by my lungs not only sucking at being lungs, but trying to drown themselves. I tried to call out for my mom, but all that came out was a sort of guttural whine. I panicked. I reached desperately for my phone on the table next to my bed and dialed my mom’s number. It only rang about two times before my parents came bursting into my room. I was able to give them a your-child-is-not-breathing gesture before I completely passed out.

•••

I woke up later in the ICU. I was alone except for the beeping machines, and my chest hurt a lot, so I pressed the red call button. The nurse came almost immediately.

“Hi, Hazel. You’re awake! I’m Nicole, I’m your nurse. Can I do some quick checks on you?”

I nodded and closed my eyes and she checked the beeping machines around me. She asked me a question, but I didn’t hear it. I felt like I was drifting underwater, barely aware of my surroundings.

“Huh?” I finally muttered.

“I said, how is your pain?”

“Bad. Like, an eight.”

She said something meant to be comforting and then something about getting me more pain medication, but I passed out again before she could finish.

•••

When I woke up again, my parents were in the room. My dad was crying. He still had a habit of doing that a lot. Some things never change.

“Hazel, sweetie, how are you?” asked my mom.

I opened my mouth to speak, but only a gasp came out. It wasn’t until then that I had realized how badly my lungs hurt, how much fluid they were drowning in. There was a tube leading from my chest to a bag that was almost full of the familiar dark brown fluid, but it seemed inconceivable to me that any of it had drained. There was so much I could hardly breathe. I gasped again and my mom let out a small gasp, mirroring mine, and covered her mouth with her hand. She murmured something about a nurse and fled to the hallway, where she flagged down the nearest nurse, who happened to be Nicole again. I tried to listen to her, but my mind was distracted by the stranded swimmer who had locked himself in my chest. I sputtered a cough, and more of the brown fluid leaked out of my mouth. I was getting dizzy.

My parents ran to my sides and held my hands. I knew then that this was it. I had been preparing for so long, since my pre-Phalanxifor cancer experience. I was ready. I wasn’t exactly excited, but I was ready.

I looked into my mom’s eyes. They were misty with tears and longing. You’ll always be my mother, I thought, hoping that somehow she’d hear me, that somehow she’d know. My dad’s sob caught my attention, and my eyes moved to his face. I followed the tears down his cheeks, mentally wiping them away and whispering “It’s okay, Dad. It’s okay. I’m going to be okay.”

Suddenly, a panic set in. This wasn’t the obvious fluid-in-my-lungs panic, this was a deeper panic. This panic screamed “forever”. My parents would never get another chance to hear my voice, and I hadn’t said a word since they were in the room. I had to tell them I would be okay. I had to comfort them. I had to let them know that I was going to be okay, that they didn’t need to worry about me. I opened my mouth and another gasp came out. The panic set in deeper. I had to let them know. I had to.

I tried again, and this time one syllable came out. I don’t know where it came from, somewhere deep in my soul I guess. It was the shortest way to tell them I’d be okay. It came out almost a whisper, but by the look on my parents’ faces, I knew that they understood and knew what I meant. A sob escaped from both of them in unison, and I repeated myself in a futile attempt at comfort for them.

“Gus...” I gasped. It was a promise. If I had been able to muster a full sentence, I would have told them that he’d watch out for me, that we’d be together in capital-S-Somewhere, and that I’d be happy with him again. I think they knew, though. They were obviously no less upset, but they looked a little calmer. Knowing that I was feeling comforted by the thought of Gus was comforting to them. I smiled softly despite the pain in my lungs.

The next few minutes were a blur. Without oxygen, I got dizzy. I gasped and sputtered before I was finally relieved. I closed my eyes and let myself slip into sleep. I was still hanging on, but barely. It was then that I saw him. I saw my Augustus. We had had our infinity within the numbered days, but in that moment, I knew we would get a real infinity. We would be together eternally in capital-S-Somewhere. I would be okay.

Almost as suddenly as it had started, the pain stopped. The hospital room disappeared, and it was just me and Gus. I gasped, and it was my first normal breath in years. My hair was long and flowing, and I wasn’t frail and pale. There was a bright, almost blinding light behind him, and I felt so calm. Gus smiled and extended a hand toward me. The cigarette in his mouth was lit and glowed softly. I felt okay. I took his hand, and we walked into the light together.

“Nice to have you back, Hazel Grace. Oh, how I’ve missed you.”


End file.
